Why take some sleeping pills (alright, fine, it was just a Tylenol PM, but still) and then fight to stay awake? Makes no sense. None what so ever.
On a good note my dishwasher was finally installed on Sunday. I all but jumped for joy. It even does a fantastic job. Who invented the dishwasher? I need to know so I can find them and kiss them. That and the person who came up with Jet Dry. #1 and #2 on my current list of best inventions ever. Lol.
And I made our first dinner in the new house. Yes, its been a month since closing, but I finally got the kitchen put together enough to cook on Saturday. It felt good to get something done. Oh, I didnt even burn dinner. It wasnt anything special, Italian Chicken for chicken salads, but I was proud. Especially because we didnt know how well the oven temp worked. Our old oven ran about 25 deg hot so we had to adjust everything. This one seemed to be right or at least close. We are going to try a pizza tomorrow to test it again.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
A minor setback with a pinch of fear
** Just an FYI - I am not writing this for advice, I am writing this for me.**
I have found that in times of stress I tend to withdraw from the world around me. I pour myself into my books and hardly come out to breathe, preferring to live in the fictional world rather then dealing with the real one. Not a very good stress response but hey, its me, its what I do.
Well this past week I realized that I had fallen into that again. Fallen pretty deep. I haven't been eating or sleeping hardly at all (and the little bit I do get isn't restful). I have pulled away from my friends, both online and in real life. I spend all my time reading, even at work.
I am scared because not only did I miss what was happening, and I had been proud for catching and controlling it in the past, but am unable to stop it from continuing to get worse. Also I don't know whats triggered it this time. I can look back on my life and see the moments where I would get like this. I can see what made it happen, even if it was just a yelling match with my mother. Normally it would just be for a day or two then I would get over whatever happened. Only once did it span weeks like it has this time, my senior year of high school when my BFF passed away from cancer.
I broke down and took a sleep aid last night. I feel slightly better today but the rock on my chest is still there, making it hard to breathe. I still opened my online book the second I got to work. I know it will take time to get back on track. I know I just need to take things a day at a time. I know that it very well might get worse before it gets better. But I have never been a patient person. I am angry with myself for being this way and, yes, I know that I shouldn't be. And yes, I know I should be in therapy. And no, I don't plan on going right now.
With all that I also know that I can get through this. I can and will bounce back. It will take time and work but I will get there. As bad as I feel right now I am still miles ahead of where I could be. I believe that you can not know true happiness with out knowing true sadness, can not know true contentment with out also being restless. I believe that you can not live in the extremes of these things but need to live in a balance. I just need to find my balance point again.
Writing does wonders. I feel better now and understand more then I have in the past month if not longer, if I am really going to be honest with myself. It will only get better from here even if I do end up taking a few steps back every now and again.
I have found that in times of stress I tend to withdraw from the world around me. I pour myself into my books and hardly come out to breathe, preferring to live in the fictional world rather then dealing with the real one. Not a very good stress response but hey, its me, its what I do.
Well this past week I realized that I had fallen into that again. Fallen pretty deep. I haven't been eating or sleeping hardly at all (and the little bit I do get isn't restful). I have pulled away from my friends, both online and in real life. I spend all my time reading, even at work.
I am scared because not only did I miss what was happening, and I had been proud for catching and controlling it in the past, but am unable to stop it from continuing to get worse. Also I don't know whats triggered it this time. I can look back on my life and see the moments where I would get like this. I can see what made it happen, even if it was just a yelling match with my mother. Normally it would just be for a day or two then I would get over whatever happened. Only once did it span weeks like it has this time, my senior year of high school when my BFF passed away from cancer.
I broke down and took a sleep aid last night. I feel slightly better today but the rock on my chest is still there, making it hard to breathe. I still opened my online book the second I got to work. I know it will take time to get back on track. I know I just need to take things a day at a time. I know that it very well might get worse before it gets better. But I have never been a patient person. I am angry with myself for being this way and, yes, I know that I shouldn't be. And yes, I know I should be in therapy. And no, I don't plan on going right now.
With all that I also know that I can get through this. I can and will bounce back. It will take time and work but I will get there. As bad as I feel right now I am still miles ahead of where I could be. I believe that you can not know true happiness with out knowing true sadness, can not know true contentment with out also being restless. I believe that you can not live in the extremes of these things but need to live in a balance. I just need to find my balance point again.
Writing does wonders. I feel better now and understand more then I have in the past month if not longer, if I am really going to be honest with myself. It will only get better from here even if I do end up taking a few steps back every now and again.
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