I will not run. I will not run.

Why is it that running away always seems like the best option? Don't get me wrong, it by no means is, but that doesn't stop the desire to run the other way when shit goes pear shaped.

I don't know what happened to me. When faced with a challenge I used to excel. I might not have been great at whatever it was I tried to do but the thing was I tried and gave it my all. Anymore it seems like I just shy away and hide. I guess my fight or flight wires got crossed somewhere.

Either way I just have to try and not to run. Running will not solve anything. Running will only make things harder in the long run, the ever present and dreamed about big picture. I will not run is my new mantra, along with today WILL be a good day, although I managed to fail on that on not 3 hours after I adopted it.

Not every day will be a good one. Not every fight needs to be fought. But not every day will be bad either and I can't hide from every obstacle. Balance is what I need. Balance in my mind, in my work and in my home.

So I guess all I can do is take a few deep breaths, a 5 minute break to meditate and calm my self down, and then try and get back to work.

But damn is Florida looking like a nice place to hide for a while.

Things are looking up.

So, it's been a week on the meds and I can tell the difference. Granted it's not a big one and I still expect some pretty big roller coaster rides of emotions until it really gets into my system, but I will take any positive difference at this point.

I am happy. Truly happy and playful. I wasn't not happy before but I didn't feel this...carefree either. The fears and everyday worries that plagued me constantly have drastically declined. I do still have them, they do still pop in my head, but mentally smacking myself upside the skull to stop thinking like that is much easier. I have been realizing my worries earlier as well so they don't careen out of control, snowballing into huge issues. I can tell that my everyday outlook is changing as well. The negative thoughts are making way for much more positive and optimistic ones.

I still have issues and probably always will but I can look back on the last year and see just how bad I have let myself become. This has been going down long before I thought it was. It was so gradual of a change, so slight day to day differences, that I just didn't notice the cliff at the end. Thankfully I was able to grab a hold of the edge before falling and got help before to many fingers began to slip. It was close though.

Lets try this again.

Alright, so this whole blogging thing has been a major fail. No updates in months and really only because I knew if I posted it would be some self-hating dribble and I didn't really want to admit that I was having real issues. Having to type out and then read the shit that would have come out would have forced me to realize my issues and, well, anyone well versed in the world of denial will tell you that that just isn't good.

The reality is however that I have been suffering from anxiety attacks and just general issues for months, since summer really, and it all pretty much came to a head last week. I have realized that I, in fact, can't do everything on my own, I need to actually talk to people besides my husband, and I can't keep shit bottled up.

Truth of it is this is the worst that my anxiety has ever been. I can't remember the last real meal I had and I'm pretty sure that going days without eating anything isn't normal, especially when you don't realize that it's been days because you never actually got hungry. On top of the incessant worrying about little, really stupid, stuff (such as the fact that I managed to convince myself that my husband hated me because I dropped a damn pencil on the floor), the insomnia, and the feeling of a handful bricks resting right where my lungs are supposed to be, I finally admitted to myself that I might just need some help to get through this.

Thankfully I was able to get into my doc. He gave me some meds that I just started taking on Tuesday and already I can feel a difference. Its not big, I had major issues sleeping and woke up not being able to breathe still but when I got news that would have sent me into a tail spin (a whole other set of issues that I am dealing with right now) I didn't. I'm not sure if it was the actual meds or if it was just the fact that my mind knew I started taking them and is doing its own thing but either way I'm not going to fight it. I am still thinking that I might see a counselor or someone who is trained to help someone with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder, what a freaking catch all name that is, lol) but that won't happen for a while. Right now I am just going to let the drugs help get me back on freaking track.

Basically I am going to try to actually start using this thing again, instead of just looking at the link on my bookmarks and thinking about maybe posting something. I am also going to keep trying to write the story I am working on, it has gotten mostly positive reviews so someone out there likes it. I have been surprised just how rewarding it's been to write like that. Nothing meaningful or deep, but just a story. Maybe one day I will think of something original that I can actually put my real name on it and not just an internet SN.

So it's about two months late but here's hoping that 2010 brings brighter days! or at least more days where I don't have issues breathing then not.

:)

I am not a patient person.

Why is it that you can break apart in a matter of moments but the healing and putting yourself back together takes days/weeks/months? Of course if I am honest with myself I didnt break apart in moments, it was a slow fall, but I dont feel like being honest with myself at this time. If I do that I might actually realize just how...broken I really am and I would like to think I am getting better.

Really I am getting better. The physical anxiety issues have lessened a considerable amount. Now its just getting my brain back on track. Or at least on a different track than the one its on now.

In happier news, we are now puppy parents! We picked up the cutest puppy last Wednesday and have been adjusting since, lol. Bear (H wants the name to be Bare ::eyeroll::) is a roadside drop that my sis rescued. We arent quite sure what breed he is, the guesses right now are Lab & Pit. Either way he is smart, sweet, and very much a puppy, lol. Pics when I have some.

I am so weird.

Why take some sleeping pills (alright, fine, it was just a Tylenol PM, but still) and then fight to stay awake? Makes no sense. None what so ever.

On a good note my dishwasher was finally installed on Sunday. I all but jumped for joy. It even does a fantastic job. Who invented the dishwasher? I need to know so I can find them and kiss them. That and the person who came up with Jet Dry. #1 and #2 on my current list of best inventions ever. Lol.

And I made our first dinner in the new house. Yes, its been a month since closing, but I finally got the kitchen put together enough to cook on Saturday. It felt good to get something done. Oh, I didnt even burn dinner. It wasnt anything special, Italian Chicken for chicken salads, but I was proud. Especially because we didnt know how well the oven temp worked. Our old oven ran about 25 deg hot so we had to adjust everything. This one seemed to be right or at least close. We are going to try a pizza tomorrow to test it again.

The sounds of nature and an airplane or two.

It has been so beautiful out the past few days our office has just propped open the doors and let the wind blow through. I have been loving it. Nice breeze, with fresh air and sunshine all day long. I makes me want to curl up out on the grass with my book.

The only thing that breaks this perfect setting would be our office happens to be located in an industrial airpark. So we are surrounded by other industrial type businesses and an airport. Oh well. The planes take off pretty quick and not often and so far today just the landscapers seem to be working outside with their weedwackers. I can still hear the birds so all is good in my book.

I dont know what it is about a slight breeze, clear skies, and happy birds but it lifts my spirits, calms my soul, and makes me smile.

Congratulations!

I want to wish Best Wishes & Congratulations to my friends, T&T, married Saturday 6/20 and M&K married Sunday 6/21. We felt honored to attend your events.

Also Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there!

A positive to having a back injury

A positive thing to having a hurt back and not being able to do a damn thing other then just lay there is that I have gotten a lot of reading done. The bad thing about that is that books are expensive! I have gone through more books in the last few months then I think I have ever read in a year. Hell, I have gone through 4 in just the last week. But to try and keep costs down I cant be going to the book store and dropping $50 on a handful of books every week so last night I made my way to the local library. It is a new library and boasts about having a large selection blah blah blah. I was disappointed.

I understand my favored genera of books, SciFi/Fantasy, isnt the most popular, but I do think it warrants more then three 4' sections worth of selection. Hell, they didnt even have Tolkien or Steven King (I double checked in the normal fiction, just in case).

I am disappointed in you Library. I remember now why I never really bothered with you and just purchased all my books.

:crosses fingers, toes, and anything else I can:

We found out last week that we managed to make it through the hoops the bank wanted us to jump though to buy a home. We should back hear this week if that was good enough. I really want this to work out. I love the home we found and cant stand living in the house we are in now. It was great when we first moved in but we are ready to move on.

**FYI-hitting enter at anytime when typing up a blog post will actually post it**

I just need to embrace my dorkiness.

Between the WoW playing, anime watching, and now this I just cant deny it. I am a giant dork.

I ordered this book: http://www.amazon.com/Salt-World-History-Mark-Kurlansky/dp/0142001619/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1241124522&sr=1-1

It should be delivered today. I am sooo excited to start reading it. The little bit I did read online it looks like it will be very interesting. Now if only the work day would end so I could leave and go see if UPS lied to me about it being on my front porch.

Whats in your fridge?

You can learn a lot about a person by looking at what they have in their fridge.

The husband and I have been house hunting. Every home we looked at the appliances conveyed so we looked at them a little closer. You can tell a single guy lives there when there is a case of beer, mustard, and a frozen pizza. There was also the family that had a Barbie Birthday Cake and nothing else, even drink. I was actually disappointed when the homes were unoccupied and the fridge was empty.

I wonder what our refrigerator would tell people....

Hi, I'm new here.

Well, not really. I had another blog that I just didn't want to continue. I might regret my snap decision of deleting it without backing it up later but I feel like its time to move on. Do not dwell on the past which, for me, was what the other blog was doing. It's not like I had any followers anyway, or at least I don't think I did. Maybe I should have checked that out, oops.

Either way this is hopefully going to be half journal and half random bits of my life. If you happen to wander in hope I don't scare you to bad!