Breakdown for one please.

So...things have not been going that well for me here in the wonderful world known as my life. I finally had the breakdown I have been avoiding now for weeks and yet again I realize just how harmful it is to hold all that shit in.

Short story is - I started smoking again about two weeks ago after hitting a wall and realizing that not only am I not feeling any better but I was now trying to pull away even from my books. I did this knowing full well that smoking is a major hangup for my husband but sadly the smoking helped pull me back on track. Sometimes I really do miss it. On Tuesday I found a major mistake I made at work. A $3k mistake. I have a panic attack on my way home, the first in years, and while I was able to control my breathing the entire time and I didn't pass out it was bad. Really bad. I have never missed my medication until that moment when I had nothing to take. This all scares me so I come clean to my husband who, in what has become something of an inside message for us, thumps me on the head for being stupid, and then hugs me and puts me back together. I really am lucky to have him. He knows just what to say and how, even if he doesn't realize he does.

After that night I have felt much better. Wednesday was rough with having to talk to my boss, but it all turned out ok and I have felt much better since. I really hope that Tuesday night was the bottom of this hole and I can move forward and continue putting myself back together.

All I can really hope for is that when I am ready to check back in, I haven't lost any friends.